“Sarah Palin, blurrganidriaba nifterlanini!” Translation: Open note to Sarah Palin, the Pentecostal! God’s will isn’t policy!

September 24, 2008

Hold onto your Bibles, Palinites- for ye may be shocked:   “God’s will” is not a foreign or domestic policy.

For two decades, Sarah Palin was a member of a church known as “Assemblies of God.”  Currently one of the fastest growing denominations in the U.S.,  the church espouses a belief in a literal and inerrant Bible, and its members are often seen being “Baptized in the Holy Spirit.”

This is no traditional Baptism, however.  This is a Baptism of words- well, sort of.  Glossolalia is the practice of “speaking in tongues” whereby one becomes “united” with the Holy Spirit.  The source of this generally accepted mental illness- I mean, habit is found in several verses from the (inerrant!) King James Bible:

“And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.”

But weren’t Pentecostals the snake handlers?  The folks who danced with serpents per the instructions of the Gospel According to Mark:

“And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.”

As for that last bit about how “they shall recover,” well, almost.  The founder of the snake handling movement, George Went Hensley died of a snake bite in 1955.  But one bad apple didn’t spoil the whole bunch: Pentecostal followers are still imbibing poisonous liquids, handling snakes, and speaking in tongues all over the country.

Well, as for diplomacy, “God’s will” isn’t actually a policy.  It is the equivalent of walking into a restaurant, reviewing the menu and telling the server, “God will decide between the cobb salad and the grilled panini.”  And the likely result of the decision to abandon preferential judgment?   You’ll be hungry, because the kitchen will not get your order.

While we’re on the Palin-Pentecostal subject, the above cartoon has caused a stir in the evangelical community.  For your entertainment, there’s a link at the bottom of this post to the Christian Broadcasting Network’s official complaint on the Washington Post cartoon. He asks, “Why are people allowed to get away with making fun of the Christian faith?”

My answer: Ummm, is that a serious question?

If you weren’t busy calling sloppily written books “inerrant,” speaking jibberish, and handling deadly snakes, you might notice how collectively idiotic you all sound.  And in the meantime, in the spirit of taking the Bible literally,  I’ll consecrate your complaint with the Holy Spirit in the sacred form of Glossolalia:

Perflippity alibabababa bippity boppity BOO-HOO.

Translation:  If you can read this, please stay home on election day.

Further Reading:

The First Pentecostal Snake Charmer (May he rest…)


The Christians complain about being persecuted (by humor)



One Response to ““Sarah Palin, blurrganidriaba nifterlanini!” Translation: Open note to Sarah Palin, the Pentecostal! God’s will isn’t policy!”

  1. liz Says:

    I heard there is this website where you can donate to planned parenthood in Sarah Palin’s name. She then gets a note from planned parenthood thanking her for her donation. Genius.

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