Having dinner recently with my spritely 87-year old grandmother who has fought for women’s rights all her life, I was cautioned that among the many dangers of a McCain/ Palin administration, the largest concern is, “He’s very old, he could die, and then she would be President!”

In the spirit of realism, here’s a brief list of the words McCain used to punch himself in the face tonight by illustrating how OLD he really is:

The Tiller – Anyone who has heard that reference more than 5 times before this debate (and isn’t currently on a sailboat) can soon expect their AARP Card and monthly mailer to arrive. We know, we know,  you’re an old navy man.  Aye, aye, old timer.

Jello – As we all know, 99% of the country’s Jello is served in retirement homes.  Old people love it- especially John McCain, who is mad at Barack Obama for attempting to “nail” perfectly good Jello to the walls.

Jello - Easy on the teeth- not so easy to nail to the wall, a favorite activity of the senile.

Jello - Easy on the teeth- not so easy to nail to the wall, a favorite activity of the senile.

Croneyism – aka the old crotchety dudes’ network, of which McCain is the Senate Majority Leader.

My Friend – Sorry Mr. McCain, surely you weren’t addressing Americans, but Mr. Keating of the Savings and Loan Scandal and subsequent bailout which you played a part. I must say you were a bit typecast in “exercising poor judgment.”  You do that a lot.

Telegraph – Hmmm… perhaps he meant “E-MAIL” but telegraph just rolls off the 72 year old tongue a little smoother.  If elected, he’ll be delivering vetoed tax cuts for the middle class via Pony Express.

McCain takes off for the White House - perhaps this is an amendment to a weak energy policy?

McCain takes off for the White House - perhaps this is an amendment to a weak energy policy?

According to the Center for Disease Control, the average life expectancy of a  white male born in 1936 in the U.S.A. is 58.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/dvs/nvsr52_14t12.pdf

McCain is 14 years past- not his prime- but his actual life expectancy.  If his policies don’t already scare you enough, take a good look at his running mate.

Americans have recently become enamored of Palin’s small-town-mayor approach to the big-bad government.  They like her because “she seems nice” and “like me” and is “pretty.”  Suddenly, half of America has become the lonely kid at the lunch table who dreams of the homecoming queen setting down her tray near them.  Reminder to all those re-living teenage fantasies:  this contest should be about policy, not popularity.

Meanwhile, McCain loves to invoke that “Rough Rider,”  Teddy Roosevelt approach to government- I want to remind him and the American public that Teddy’s reputation for roughness and vitality might have to do with the fact he was the youngest person ever to become president.

A month from the election, McCain and Palin seem more like an old, miserable millionaire and his absentminded trophy wife.

To quote my favorite 87-year old Democrat again regarding a McCain/ Palin administration, “He’s old. She’s stupid.  They’re a dangerous combination.”  Is it just me, or does that seem like an un-steady hand at the tiller?

It seems Senator McCain has been busy counting chickens that hath not hatched.  See the screenshot below:

In this ad his campaign (accidentally) released, McCain smiles triumphantly amidst a swath of red, white, and blue, with the words “McCain Wins Debate” proudly in the foreground.  Obviously, the ad has since been pulled, and at least one person in the McCain camp is putting his resume on Craigslist.

Another ad which was spotted this morning on the online edition of the Wall Street Journal showed Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager asserting, “McCain won the debate- Hands down.”

Am I the only one who thinks it is strange to win a contest that has not yet taken place?  Perhaps he has a time machine?  Or maybe Palin has gotten God so far on his side, that he decided to put his money where his holy mouth was in the form of an ad… .  Whether this is Holy work or high technology, I’d like to be the first to congratulate him on a well deserved victory!

Of course, time machine or no, McCain has demonstrated his ability to manipulate time and space more than once this week.  He previously suspended his campaign, and then apparently suspended the suspension for an interview with Katie Couric.

I guess I don’t need to watch the debate after all.  It would be like starting a book when you already know the ending.  I guess we should thank the soothsayers in the McCain campaign for saving the 85 million Americans who planned to gather round the television tonight from four hours of political pandering.

Whatever the cause (perhaps he just saw The Secret and is summoning victory), the effect is clear.  His hairbrained campaign just flubbed over whether he would even attend the debate, and now he’s won it.

The problem with the McCain campaign’s ad scheme is akin to the problem on Wall Street.  An outdated rich, white dude looking at a basket full of eggs (subprime mortgages, elections, debates), but seeing cash and chicken caesar salad.   It’s the same problem we saw when that clueless, reckless conservative who is already in the White House stood beneath a Mission Accomplished banner in Iraq in 2003.

It all seems a little too familiar…